


The Journey To Understanding

by spookyawards_archivist



Category: The X-Files
Genre: Angst, Episode: s08e16 Three Words, Episode: s09e01 Nothing Important Happened Today, Episode: s09e20 The Truth, Romance, Vignette
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2005-06-28
Updated: 2005-06-28
Packaged: 2019-04-28 04:43:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,046
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14441619
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spookyawards_archivist/pseuds/spookyawards_archivist
Summary: Sometimes the most important POV, deep down inside, is the one that ends up going unheard.  Their hearts have a lot to say, though.





	The Journey To Understanding

**Author's Note:**

> Note from alice ttlg, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [Spooky Awards](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Spooky_Awards), and was moved to the AO3 as part of the Open Doors project in 2018. I tried to reach out to all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are the creator and would like to claim this work, please contact me using the e-mail address on [SpookyAwards' collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/spookyawards/profile).

WEBSITE: http://thesketchfiles.bravehost.com SPOILERS: Three Words, NIHT and The Truth. Minor references for the whole series.  
CATEGORY: MSR, A, Other POV  
SUMMARY: Sometimes the most important POV, deep down inside, is the one that ends up going unheard. Their hearts have a lot to say, though.  
FEEDBACK: - It would make me the happiest person in the whole world!!!  
DISCLAIMER: No names mentioned, but it's obvious who I'm talking about.....and they're still not mine :( ARCHIVE: Just let me know where and keep my name attached. :) DEDICATION: To Lisa, Nina, Nancy, Tamra, Sallie, Laura, Mendy and Pat for their continued support and the feedback for most - if not all - of my stories. They make this so much more worthwhile to know there's folks actually reading my stuff out there, and I can't thank them enough :) 

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXxx 

Understanding. 

Despite everything you've shared over the years and believed to be key to your relaionship, the one thing you truly lack is understanding of each other. No clearer has that fact ever been until now, as you both stand here in his apartment, struggling to think of what to say. 

You don't understand why he's finding it so difficult to look at you, despite everything you've said to make him remember he's the center of your universe. 

He doesn't understand why you don't understand what he's going through. 

It's a journey you've both been taking since the day you set foot in his office eight years ago; a search for comprehension in each's soul through abduction, Cancer, near-death experiences, dealings with the enemy, ditches, stakeouts, X-File shutdowns, a homicidal fetishist, fire, brain surgery, shadows from the past..........a list seemingly endless that somehow always comes down to his bewilderment at why you stick by his side each day, and your occasional wonder at the same thing. 

Trust, love, sympathy, strength, eternal bond attained. 

Understanding successfully evaded. 

"I don't know where I fit in..." 

Your eyes narrow as another tear slips free, and you just want to scream at him, hit him... _anything_ to stop him so coldly dismissing you and the miracle he refuses to believe you created together before his abduction. The desperate need to explain to him the pain - the sheer _hell_ \- you've had to endure every day since he left for Oregon chokes you as it forms a lump in your throat. 

He glances up briefly and notices the tortured expression on your face, but then quickly closes his eyes against it and lowers his head. Memories of what's happened to him over the past six months are foggy in his still-recuperating mind, but the scars on his body, the hole in his soft palette, the paleness of his skin and the empty feeling inside his being haunts him with all the knowledge he'd much rather live without. So, your mouth opens in a last attempt to soothe and reassure that you fully understand what he's going through-- 

But you falter. 

"...Too much has changed..." he whispers, shaking his head. 

And at that moment you know why you couldn't find the right words: deep down inside you know he's the only one not pretending here.... he's not pretending to understand what you've had to deal with over the passing months; he's never said he understood what you went through when you were abducted six years ago......He's not even making a claim to understand what the heck's happened to him. 

All he wants is _his_ world back: a world which was only just beginning to very slowly shift and change before he left, but not so drastically as the unrecognizable place he's returned to - a time when IVF failed to spawn life in your barren womb, when the X-Files belonged to the two of you and nobody else, when you weren't such an emotional wreck, when he was dying of an unknown brain disease, when you'd both finally reached the same page in your relationship...when he didn't feel so cold and hollow inside after having been missing for three months and then buried in the ground for another three. 

If only knowing that equaled Understanding... 

...Suddenly you feel even further apart than you did just a few short weeks ago. 

"Too much can't be undone." 

XxXxXxXxX 

Insight must be a wonderful thing, and God knows how you wish for it now. As it is, you've never been the best at putting your own feelings into words or expressing your emotions in actions - particularly to this woman that means the universe to you. But what you'd give to just know what's going through her mind as you bend down for your last bag, take a deep breath and then glance over at her! 

Try to understand how she convinced you to walk away, or why... 

No, you understand why - yes, you actually understand that! - and that same knowledge is reflected in her eyes as you break visual contact and focus on the squirming bundle cradled in the safety of her arms, but if only...if you could just change things or come up with another solution... 

The sudden cry from the fussing child cuts through your thoughts, and you watch in awe as your one in five billion quietly coos to him with the expertise of a woman who's had several children, not just one. It's the most beautiful thing you've ever seen, and you mentally kick yourself for ever doubting her and the world she'd tried to introduce you to after your resurrection. 

"Shh...It's going to be okay..." 

Looking back over the years, you realise you've never really tried to comprehend anything that may or may not be going through her head - you've tried to be strong when she's appeared upset, and you've been there for her as much as possible, but even as you'd held her in your arms to try comfort her after a terrifying ordeal, or as you'd both affirmed the depth of your bond with a night of long-overdue passionate lovemaking, never have you gained an ounce of understanding about what goes through her mind as she automatically asserts 'I'm fine'; what she may be thinking as she whispers 'I love you'. 

...And as you prepare to walk out the door, you're petrified you never will. 

She stares at you over the top of the baby's head, desperately seeking to regain the silent communication seemingly lost since your resurrection. What you wouldn't give to just take those few steps necessary to stand before her and wrap your arms around them forever; What you wouldn't say to assure her that you'll be home before any of them even realizes you've been gone; What you wouldn't _do_ to make this nightmare stop. 

Instead of expressing that to her, though, you just give a slow nod of your head and sadly smile. How can you begin to unravel her thoughts when you can't even piece together your own? 

The alarm on your watch beeps, and your eyes open wide as you realize that there's no time left to think about what you should or shouldn't do. The only certainty left to grasp onto is that this may be your last time together, and if you can't find each other on the same level of understanding, all you can do is hold on to the memories and your connected desires: to be together, to be safe, to be home. 

"I'll come back as soon as humanly possible...You know I will - I can't live without you..." 

And as the door to her apartment closes after you, I die, whilst your brain wakes up and finally begins to view things from a different perspective. 

Another step is taken towards perhaps finally gaining that insight. 

XxXxXxXxX 

"Then we believe the same thing." 

If only you could both see each other as I and my mate do. If you could just see the extent of this journey that has taken you through every imaginable scenario to finally bring you here - to this motel, to these confessions, to this dawning realisation that, in fact, you've always known what the other was thinking because it's what you feel deep down inside as well: if one of you hurts, the other will undoubtedly suffer too. 

It's an ability that cements your partnership. 

For all these years you've been subconsciously kicking yourselves - wondering and doubting if you listened to each other for long enough... 

...Angry you didn't push her when she only answered with 'I'm fine'... 

...Wishing you'd been more insistent when telling him that his quest was your quest also, and that he could be blamed for nothing bad in your life... 

But, in the end, all you have left is each other and that's all you need to survive in this crazy world where shadows wait in every corner to eat you whole and steal away the happiness that you finally feel now. Together you can fight the demons... You always have, but now so much more is at stake: the fate of the world, your freedom, and the welfare of your son. 

As a thumb is tenderly rubbed over lips so missed during the past lonely months, you both think his name and it's as if the word was said out loud - weighing you down with desperation and the fear that this is when the shit really hits the fan. 

_We can do this, for him...for us._

The decision is made to finally grasp on to what's been slipping away from you all this time. With a hand still holding on to hers, you raise up and carefully manoeuvre your tired body onto the bed beside her. 

You stare at him and shift so that there's plenty of space for him to lay facing you...it's the only way you'll be able to convince yourself that he is real - that he's here and (apart from that obvious void inside that will never be filled all the time your son is not in your arms) you're more complete than you've ever been. 

Silence descends. Shadows fall to entrap two fugitive agents within the four walls of the run-down motel room. 

Understanding? Insight? You may still doubt as to if you're seeing the full picture of each's emotions; will undeniably be frustrated by the irrational, unjustified notion of not being able to see each through on every single layer of feeling caused by situations or surroundings or speech. But you'll always _know_ , and from now on you'll be able to find a way to express that more fully. 

"Maybe there's Hope..." 

And there's the key to it all - what neither of you had believed to be in your possession, but what has always been there much like Pandora's box. You've fought The Powers That Be for this long with Hope pushing you along every step of the way, and now with the hope, faith and love you've discovered in each other it's unlikely anything - let alone anyone - will be able to stop you. 

Your eyes close as you're lulled to sleep by the sound of your synchronised breaths and the warmth of your bodies pressed together. My mate and I unite and beat as one. 

And a new journey begins... 

The journey for Freedom. 

**THE END**

'Hope is a good thing - maybe the best of things - and no good thing ever dies.' 

~Andy in 'The Shawshank Redemption' 

AUTHOR'S NOTES: I know, I know...Another s8/s9 fic from me, but my muse is adamant on trying to make sense of it all LOL Don't ask me where this story came from, though - the idea just came somewhere from far out in left field and my fingers did the typing... Hope it makes at least some sense. _shrug_

By the way, anybody that's interested: Part 24 of 'The Beginning And The End', and 'LCTTA6' will be coming soon, I PROMISE!!! :) 

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Title: **The Journey To Understanding**  
Author: XSketch  
Details: 11k  ·  PG  ·  Standalone  ·  06/28/05  ·   Email/Website      
Gossamer Category(Keywords): Vignette   [Romance, Angst]     
SPOILERS: Three Words, NIHT and The Truth. Minor references for the whole series.   
SUMMARY: Sometimes the most important POV, deep down inside, is the one that ends up going unheard. Their hearts have a lot to say, though. 


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